I am sitting at my desk enjoying my morning cup of coffee with a grin that will not go away. I had one of the funnest nights of my life last night and I was asleep by 10:45.
I had to work until seven or so and then Jayke, our buddy Rick, and I planned to go bahahing (technical term) in Rick's old jeep. He said he bought it his senior year of high school and five miles down the road the transmission went out. (Rick is the high school shop teacher at our local school and I am quickly beginning to think there is nothing he can't fix.)
So this jeep is amazing it is the kind with no doors and no roof and a fair amount of rust. Perfect. Set off on our adventure through general andrews park and worked out way to Sturgeon Lake accepting any mud that came our way. At one part a hunk of mud seemed to have fell from the sky and landed smack on my left arm where of course I left it because it is part of the glory. We wound our way around trails I would never have known existed and I have lived here all my life. These are also trails you could barely fit a four wheeler down much less a jeep. It was like being on safari in a jungle so near to my house I could just about slap myself that I had never seen it. However at one point (being directionally challenged the way I am) I did ask if he was driving us out to the middle of nowhere to leave us for dead. I just thought I would clear the air.
Something or should I say lots of things about Rick remind me of my brother. Poor guy not only have I forced him to watch my 20minute family video, there is something about his patience, and good heartedness that make me feel like I am back hanging out with Mike. Then there are nights like last night when I feel so alive and whole that make me think he sent this. I don't want to freak anyone out but if you believe in coincidence I think you're missing out. Coincidence makes you miss what's behind it, what's deeper. When you get in your car and a song comes on that takes you back somewhere. I don't think that is coincidence I think it is someone's way of making you come back.
The fireflies were out in force. It looked like God sent some fairy lights to light up the night. At one point we had about ten of them lighting up the windshield. I tried to take a picture with my phone but flash on was too bright, flash off was too dark. So I determined that I would just have to remember what it looked like without a photocopy.
We wound around all the way back to Askov, where we stopped for supper the boys had garbage burgers (picture everything in your fridge on one burger) and I had an enormous philly burger. We played a round of bingo and hit the road. The wind on my arm as I held it out the side of the jeep with the sun setting behind it made me so content. Turns out you don't need to buy a $10,000 dollar side by side to enjoy nature. You just need a pal with an old jeep and a spirit for adventure. Not even kidding.
"Cherish your vision; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind. The loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts. If you remain true to them your world will at least be built." -James Allen
"I never want to have to much. I always want to be able to get excited over little things, because in the end it's the little things that mean the most."
-me 7-29-98 16years and 16days. :)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Adventure Is Out There.
Just flew back yesterday from Denver Colorado where I went to visit my very, very good friend I've known my whole life, Lisa.
It was five days of growth for this small town slightly sheltered, baby of the family. I flew alone, I navigated two airports alone and that is something I was very scared to do. But I did. I know a lot of people do this kind of thing all the time and it's really no big deal but for a girl who lived nine miles out of town (and town was 300 people) it was huge. On a side note I also have no sense of direction. It's fair to say on a given road trip I get flipped off regularly and am a master at U-turns. Even illegal ones. (Sorry Jayke it's true)
Lisa has been all over the world, and when I say that I don't mean she went to London once. I mean she back-packed through Europe, stayed in hostels in South Africa, shes been to India, Singapore,the Philippines, Thailand and Australia. I know there are more but you get where I'm going here? The thing is she didn't visit these places because she was some uber privileged, rich kid. She got there because she has a drive for adventure and she's brave as hell. So I got inspired and climbed aboard a plane and ventured out of my comfort zone. And I loved every minute of it.
Lisa is a nanny. When I say this I want you to picture taking two two year olds and a four-month old all over the city of Denver every day. They go to story time twice a week, museums, parks ect. They are two very lucky boys (both about 2) and one very lucky girl (4 months).
The first day I arrived Lisa picked me up and we took the kids to the mall. It was cold out and there is a huge play area for toddlers in the mall. Lisa walks with sleeping infant in a tummy pack and two toddlers side by side in a jogging stroller casually through the mall. (This is when I realized I am a huge spaz and would never be able to do this without an occasional panic attack.) She is like a child whisperer. She manages to get these two toddlers to hold hands with each other (which the image alone is stinkin' adorable)and walk through a shopping mall; all with great ease. I think it is so amazing that some of the best parenting skills I have learned have been from two people with no kids: my sister Melissa and Lisa.
I count on my big sister Miss so much. I ask her to pick my ass up at the airport, I ask her to go with my ex-husband to kindergarten round-up when I can't be there, I ask her to drive my ass home from the bar. She's been taking care of me my entire life. She was also part of my inspiration on this journey. (as just a few weeks back she flew alone to Chicago and then from there to Louisville)
You don't have to have kids to be a parent. I would like to tattoo that on the dumbass's forehead who shouted out to everyone, as my sister entered the library for my son's kindergarten round-up, "Melissa what are you doing here you don't even have any kids?" (I was in Denver and it meant the world to Nolan to have his Missy Dissy there.) Once again: You don't have to have kids to be a parent. In fact a lot of the time you guys have more figured out than we do. Not even kidding.
The next day of my adventure. I set out on foot to locate a tattoo shop that I heard was great. And by set out I mean walked four miles there and four miles back. Down Colfax and Broadway alone feeling very white and very naive.But after consulting with a few homeless men (just kidding Mom!) I found the place I needed to be in time for my 12noon consultation. Granted I was sweaty and little low on blood sugar and limping due to a sizable blister, I made it.
Five years ago, I think? I got a tattoo on my shoulder in memory of Mike (my brother the ultimate adventurer) it was a spur of the moment thing and I had to choose from a book. I chose a simple nautical star and a few flames to represent his career in Wildfire Fighting. It was okay but I felt like it wasn't super personal and never truly loved it. So on Friday of my visit to Denver I sat at Sol Tribe on Broadway, for two hours, getting my "Ode to Odie" reworked. It is now a Compass with a True North Surrounded in flames that nearly look 3D and below it it reads "Adventure is Out There". It is now exactly what I wanted.
It is also a permanent memory of my trip and my goal to be more adventurous.
It is so easy to do things you are familiar and comfortable doing. However if you never challenge yourself where do you get? What do you see? What do you learn about yourself? It reminds me of a quote from You've Got Mail :
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life- well valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void."
Turns out adventure is out there. All you need to do is make it happen. Not even kidding.
It was five days of growth for this small town slightly sheltered, baby of the family. I flew alone, I navigated two airports alone and that is something I was very scared to do. But I did. I know a lot of people do this kind of thing all the time and it's really no big deal but for a girl who lived nine miles out of town (and town was 300 people) it was huge. On a side note I also have no sense of direction. It's fair to say on a given road trip I get flipped off regularly and am a master at U-turns. Even illegal ones. (Sorry Jayke it's true)
Lisa has been all over the world, and when I say that I don't mean she went to London once. I mean she back-packed through Europe, stayed in hostels in South Africa, shes been to India, Singapore,the Philippines, Thailand and Australia. I know there are more but you get where I'm going here? The thing is she didn't visit these places because she was some uber privileged, rich kid. She got there because she has a drive for adventure and she's brave as hell. So I got inspired and climbed aboard a plane and ventured out of my comfort zone. And I loved every minute of it.
Lisa is a nanny. When I say this I want you to picture taking two two year olds and a four-month old all over the city of Denver every day. They go to story time twice a week, museums, parks ect. They are two very lucky boys (both about 2) and one very lucky girl (4 months).
The first day I arrived Lisa picked me up and we took the kids to the mall. It was cold out and there is a huge play area for toddlers in the mall. Lisa walks with sleeping infant in a tummy pack and two toddlers side by side in a jogging stroller casually through the mall. (This is when I realized I am a huge spaz and would never be able to do this without an occasional panic attack.) She is like a child whisperer. She manages to get these two toddlers to hold hands with each other (which the image alone is stinkin' adorable)and walk through a shopping mall; all with great ease. I think it is so amazing that some of the best parenting skills I have learned have been from two people with no kids: my sister Melissa and Lisa.
I count on my big sister Miss so much. I ask her to pick my ass up at the airport, I ask her to go with my ex-husband to kindergarten round-up when I can't be there, I ask her to drive my ass home from the bar. She's been taking care of me my entire life. She was also part of my inspiration on this journey. (as just a few weeks back she flew alone to Chicago and then from there to Louisville)
You don't have to have kids to be a parent. I would like to tattoo that on the dumbass's forehead who shouted out to everyone, as my sister entered the library for my son's kindergarten round-up, "Melissa what are you doing here you don't even have any kids?" (I was in Denver and it meant the world to Nolan to have his Missy Dissy there.) Once again: You don't have to have kids to be a parent. In fact a lot of the time you guys have more figured out than we do. Not even kidding.
The next day of my adventure. I set out on foot to locate a tattoo shop that I heard was great. And by set out I mean walked four miles there and four miles back. Down Colfax and Broadway alone feeling very white and very naive.But after consulting with a few homeless men (just kidding Mom!) I found the place I needed to be in time for my 12noon consultation. Granted I was sweaty and little low on blood sugar and limping due to a sizable blister, I made it.
Five years ago, I think? I got a tattoo on my shoulder in memory of Mike (my brother the ultimate adventurer) it was a spur of the moment thing and I had to choose from a book. I chose a simple nautical star and a few flames to represent his career in Wildfire Fighting. It was okay but I felt like it wasn't super personal and never truly loved it. So on Friday of my visit to Denver I sat at Sol Tribe on Broadway, for two hours, getting my "Ode to Odie" reworked. It is now a Compass with a True North Surrounded in flames that nearly look 3D and below it it reads "Adventure is Out There". It is now exactly what I wanted.
It is also a permanent memory of my trip and my goal to be more adventurous.
It is so easy to do things you are familiar and comfortable doing. However if you never challenge yourself where do you get? What do you see? What do you learn about yourself? It reminds me of a quote from You've Got Mail :
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life- well valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void."
Turns out adventure is out there. All you need to do is make it happen. Not even kidding.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Why is The Geek towering over the table?
To say that I was a bit of a dork growing up would be an atrocious understatement. Upon reviewing some of my hobbies and style choices it is no wonder boys avoided me like the plague.
For starters I went through a very long "sweatsuit stage" AKA it was all I wore. Assorted colors you ask? Yes indeed. Paired with a nice set of black and white saddle shoes and a homemade yarn and pony bead necklace I looked like a million bucks... or so I thought. I also was into "Hammer Pants, the "paint splatter look", neon accessories, and any shirt that I hand crafted at girl scout camp. YIKES!
Next up Hobbies:
Exhibit A: Journalism.
From second grade on I kept a pretty serious journal. My first entry I was enjoying and I quote "a peece of hurshee chawclet and waching Arsenial Hall."
Then came the dramatic entries.
I hate: __________ Fill in the blank. Sadly a lot of the time it was my fifth grade teacher. Sorry Mr. Bassa (it was a phase just because you love the packers doesn't mean anyone holds that against you. Besides mine was usually more about getting my name on the board because I simply said, "where's my free stickers" upon receiving the latest book order. Is it any wonder you stopped teaching and joined a monastery. Hope I didn't scar you for life.
Then there were other small tragedies. NEVER getting to go to Mr. Bulky's candy store and then when I did buying sour gumballs and dropping one in the grass in the yard forcing me to my room for a good cry.
Trying continually to accept the fact that Miss was really everyone's favorite. Which of course is why I wrote the novel, "Memories of Madelyn and Marian" ( a pretty decent story slightly similar to an american girl book I read but duh waay better) to showcase my talents at my sister's graduation party. Wherein I carried it around and forced several family members to read it.
Never made the New York Times bestseller list but it did help me to accomplish one thing on my list of "things I'd like to accomplish in my 12th year of life." You can imagine I failed at learning sign language and getting my own fragrance line.
Along with mad skillz on the trampoline. Killer jewelry making. Being a professional at No-Bake cookies. I was also a published Poet. Some of the shit I came up with is astonishing. For starters I was amazing at rhyming and knew a lot about love. Which is more than I can say for Eminem. Volume one is titled: "You mean the world to me, in a very special way."
This shit is serious.
I don't want to brag but I did win the Young Author's Conference in 92, 93 and 94 (note 1994 was also the year of Miss's graduation party AKA Novel year).
Excerpt from Volume one:
Titled "The True Meaning of Life"
Life is a Game.
Sometimes
it'll change.
Or turn into a shame.
Don't take the wrong person to blame.
No need to make a flame, because you're to lame,
to blame the game that shames your flames,
and then changes.
By: Heidi B.
Age 10
Okay last one and I am serious!
"Don't Fuss"
Even though you are only busting the crust.
You must just lust.
But you must not fuss.
By: Heidi B. Age 10
Wow I bet you feel enlightened.
Editors Note: below the poetry there is a lovely drawing of the earth accented with colored pencils and a footnote that reads: look closely to understand the meanings of the poems to you.
(Bit bossy I guess but it's worth it due to the literary content.)
Last the title of this post: Why is the Geek towering over the table.
I was the last of four children. Perhaps a surprise? Due to the fact alone that Katie was only 19 months when I was born I think we can all assume the obvious.
Moving on.
We had a lovely round wooden oak table that my mom refinished herself. Meaning hours of inhaling polyurethane for the sake of beautiful furniture. However in our collection of chairs there were four as I recall so by adding an office chair and a bar stool we had enough room for the whole family. Guess who sat on the bar stool? Yep the youngest. While I may have always been the youngest after awhile I wasn't necessarily the smallest. Sometime around my gifted 12th year of life, we were eating supper when Michael gazed across the table and stated, "why is The Geek towering over the table." As the years passed and I enlarged no one including myself noticed that perhaps it was time for another office chair. Not Even kidding.
I might need to check my journal for that intense moment but I'm quite sure that is how it all played out.
I better get going. I think it's time I put on my sweats for the day and work on some holiday crafts for the fam. Some things never change I guess.
Not even kidding! :)
Happy Holidays
For starters I went through a very long "sweatsuit stage" AKA it was all I wore. Assorted colors you ask? Yes indeed. Paired with a nice set of black and white saddle shoes and a homemade yarn and pony bead necklace I looked like a million bucks... or so I thought. I also was into "Hammer Pants, the "paint splatter look", neon accessories, and any shirt that I hand crafted at girl scout camp. YIKES!
Next up Hobbies:
Exhibit A: Journalism.
From second grade on I kept a pretty serious journal. My first entry I was enjoying and I quote "a peece of hurshee chawclet and waching Arsenial Hall."
Then came the dramatic entries.
I hate: __________ Fill in the blank. Sadly a lot of the time it was my fifth grade teacher. Sorry Mr. Bassa (it was a phase just because you love the packers doesn't mean anyone holds that against you. Besides mine was usually more about getting my name on the board because I simply said, "where's my free stickers" upon receiving the latest book order. Is it any wonder you stopped teaching and joined a monastery. Hope I didn't scar you for life.
Then there were other small tragedies. NEVER getting to go to Mr. Bulky's candy store and then when I did buying sour gumballs and dropping one in the grass in the yard forcing me to my room for a good cry.
Trying continually to accept the fact that Miss was really everyone's favorite. Which of course is why I wrote the novel, "Memories of Madelyn and Marian" ( a pretty decent story slightly similar to an american girl book I read but duh waay better) to showcase my talents at my sister's graduation party. Wherein I carried it around and forced several family members to read it.
Never made the New York Times bestseller list but it did help me to accomplish one thing on my list of "things I'd like to accomplish in my 12th year of life." You can imagine I failed at learning sign language and getting my own fragrance line.
Along with mad skillz on the trampoline. Killer jewelry making. Being a professional at No-Bake cookies. I was also a published Poet. Some of the shit I came up with is astonishing. For starters I was amazing at rhyming and knew a lot about love. Which is more than I can say for Eminem. Volume one is titled: "You mean the world to me, in a very special way."
This shit is serious.
I don't want to brag but I did win the Young Author's Conference in 92, 93 and 94 (note 1994 was also the year of Miss's graduation party AKA Novel year).
Excerpt from Volume one:
Titled "The True Meaning of Life"
Life is a Game.
Sometimes
it'll change.
Or turn into a shame.
Don't take the wrong person to blame.
No need to make a flame, because you're to lame,
to blame the game that shames your flames,
and then changes.
By: Heidi B.
Age 10
Okay last one and I am serious!
"Don't Fuss"
Even though you are only busting the crust.
You must just lust.
But you must not fuss.
By: Heidi B. Age 10
Wow I bet you feel enlightened.
Editors Note: below the poetry there is a lovely drawing of the earth accented with colored pencils and a footnote that reads: look closely to understand the meanings of the poems to you.
(Bit bossy I guess but it's worth it due to the literary content.)
Last the title of this post: Why is the Geek towering over the table.
I was the last of four children. Perhaps a surprise? Due to the fact alone that Katie was only 19 months when I was born I think we can all assume the obvious.
Moving on.
We had a lovely round wooden oak table that my mom refinished herself. Meaning hours of inhaling polyurethane for the sake of beautiful furniture. However in our collection of chairs there were four as I recall so by adding an office chair and a bar stool we had enough room for the whole family. Guess who sat on the bar stool? Yep the youngest. While I may have always been the youngest after awhile I wasn't necessarily the smallest. Sometime around my gifted 12th year of life, we were eating supper when Michael gazed across the table and stated, "why is The Geek towering over the table." As the years passed and I enlarged no one including myself noticed that perhaps it was time for another office chair. Not Even kidding.
I might need to check my journal for that intense moment but I'm quite sure that is how it all played out.
I better get going. I think it's time I put on my sweats for the day and work on some holiday crafts for the fam. Some things never change I guess.
Not even kidding! :)
Happy Holidays
Monday, October 22, 2012
Turn a Thrift Store Sweater into 4 New Accessories
So over the weekend I had the luck of spending time with a bunch of smart and creative women at a quilt retreat. I was there to do hair, nails and waxing but in my off time I got a chance to play guitar, finish a great book (The Island by Elin Hilderbrand) and get inspired via pinterest and the women around me.
Friday we went into town and stopped at Goodwill where I picked up about 7 sweaters, a pair of boots and a large glass jar that I turned into a Pottery Barn inspired centerpiece. So last night I got to work on my idea for the sweater.
(Since I am having trouble posting these pictures one at a time, I am just going to explain and then post all the pictures.)
I cut two sections out of the tummy of the sweater. I cinged the edges with a lighter. I hand sewed the rough edges so you couldn't see them.
Then I took the arms and made them leg-warmer/boot-socks simply by cinging the ends and wearing them with the cuffs on top. (note the boots are the Goodwill boots brand new only $15.00!)
Next I took the collar and cut it right on the opposite side of the seam so it naturally wouldn't fray and used it as a headband.
And last I took a piece of scrap and used hand sewing to attach velcro and a chunky button to make a coffee cozy. Not even kidding.
Okay this is what I'm talking about:
Friday we went into town and stopped at Goodwill where I picked up about 7 sweaters, a pair of boots and a large glass jar that I turned into a Pottery Barn inspired centerpiece. So last night I got to work on my idea for the sweater.
(Since I am having trouble posting these pictures one at a time, I am just going to explain and then post all the pictures.)
I cut two sections out of the tummy of the sweater. I cinged the edges with a lighter. I hand sewed the rough edges so you couldn't see them.
Then I took the arms and made them leg-warmer/boot-socks simply by cinging the ends and wearing them with the cuffs on top. (note the boots are the Goodwill boots brand new only $15.00!)
Next I took the collar and cut it right on the opposite side of the seam so it naturally wouldn't fray and used it as a headband.
And last I took a piece of scrap and used hand sewing to attach velcro and a chunky button to make a coffee cozy. Not even kidding.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Gas stations are guy Beauty Shops
I really am not a total slacker. I am blogging at one PM on a tuesday but that is only because my 12 o'clock appointment stood me up. And to be completely honest the damn internet sucks up a lot of my time. It goes like this.... laundry eh... dishes eh...clean the shoppe..eh... go online and look at pinterest, facebook, or shop on amazon Hell to the YES and time sneaks right on by!
Oh I left out Youtube videos, rotten e-cards and damnyouautocorrect.com all highly recommended by yours truly.
So the title today is because when I was saddled up on the back of my mom's four wheeler yesterday chewing her ear off for two hours while we hit the open road with Dad and Nolan, I told her my next blog was going to be about all the silly shenanigans I have preformed at gas stations. I'm doing better but in my younger days gas stations made me nervous. Sometimes guys come into the beauty shoppe and get a little nervous. They see the pink ceiling, the pink polka dot phone, they wait patiently to get their hair-cut on a pink chair flipping through avon catalogs or glamour. They have this look of fear on their faces and I think their next thought of worry is "how am I going to get out of here without getting glitter on myself". Poor bastards.
Places that make me feel out of my element are mechanic shops, Menards and gas stations. I have this needling fear that something dumb is going to spew out of my mouth or I will knock something over, trip, my fly will be down and I will unknowingly have something stuck in my teeth.
When pondering some of my rather famous gas station mishaps I would have to say one of the very first ones was shortly after my 16th birthday. Jerry owned a tiny gas station in Rutledge and he believed in full service especially for the ladies. I came slidin' in in my dad's 1993ish extended cab Nissan truck complete with the full topper which had carpet and curtains. It either looked like I was driving a baby blue hearse or was an aspiring child predator. Jerry comes out says his hellos, asks me how much money I'm tossing into the tank and gets to work. I am casually sitting in the driver's seat trying to look cool in case someone I know goes by and spots me chatting with my former bus driver who is pumping my gas. Midway through our discussion of god only knows what the Nissan started rolling away. M.S. BONEHEAD never put the GD thing in park. I was relaxed and lifted my foot off the brake and nearly ran poor Jerry down.
In the following years I did the following at gas stations.....
1. was reaching to the passenger side floor for my purse and honked the horn with my boob.
2. came out the building at hot-limit speed and slipped on a patch of ice ending in a comic book fall that I noticed other patrons averting there eyes for a good chuckle.
3. Attempted to tip a full service pump dude with zero success. He said if he took it he could get fired! What?!
4. This one is really ridiculous: While huddled up in the sandstone gas station car wash in my Pink Ford Probe (sports car if you will) in the dead of winter I went to leave and there was a massive ridge of ice that I simply couldn't hurdle. My wheels would just spin and spin and spin. Consumed with fear that I might have to spend my whole night stuck in the car wash and miss out on a fabulous college keg party. I did what any girl in a Pink Panther would do.... I backed that sucker up all the way to the very back of the car wash put it in first gear and came catapulting out of that car wash like I was in an episode of the Dukes of Hazard. There was a trucker gassing up at the diesel pump nearby who nearly fainted when I came shooting out of there. Nailed it.
5. when I tell you this one you absolutely can not judge me. It was a blond moment to beat all blond moments and I was a brunette at the time. I actually pulled up to what I thought was a car wash door and waited and waited and waited then feeling frustrated piled out of my car to see what the situation at hand really was. Only to come to the realization that it wasn't a car wash at all it was indeed just someone's garage who lived directly next to the gas station. I probably should have introduced myself and opened their minds to a pretty sweet business opportunity but I didn't have time. I needed to get home stat and waste hours on-line.
What it really boils down to is this... should I really be driving.. ha ha no just kidding. Anytime we are out of our comfort zone weird shit is bound to occur. Especially to me.
Not even kidding.
Oh I left out Youtube videos, rotten e-cards and damnyouautocorrect.com all highly recommended by yours truly.
So the title today is because when I was saddled up on the back of my mom's four wheeler yesterday chewing her ear off for two hours while we hit the open road with Dad and Nolan, I told her my next blog was going to be about all the silly shenanigans I have preformed at gas stations. I'm doing better but in my younger days gas stations made me nervous. Sometimes guys come into the beauty shoppe and get a little nervous. They see the pink ceiling, the pink polka dot phone, they wait patiently to get their hair-cut on a pink chair flipping through avon catalogs or glamour. They have this look of fear on their faces and I think their next thought of worry is "how am I going to get out of here without getting glitter on myself". Poor bastards.
Places that make me feel out of my element are mechanic shops, Menards and gas stations. I have this needling fear that something dumb is going to spew out of my mouth or I will knock something over, trip, my fly will be down and I will unknowingly have something stuck in my teeth.
When pondering some of my rather famous gas station mishaps I would have to say one of the very first ones was shortly after my 16th birthday. Jerry owned a tiny gas station in Rutledge and he believed in full service especially for the ladies. I came slidin' in in my dad's 1993ish extended cab Nissan truck complete with the full topper which had carpet and curtains. It either looked like I was driving a baby blue hearse or was an aspiring child predator. Jerry comes out says his hellos, asks me how much money I'm tossing into the tank and gets to work. I am casually sitting in the driver's seat trying to look cool in case someone I know goes by and spots me chatting with my former bus driver who is pumping my gas. Midway through our discussion of god only knows what the Nissan started rolling away. M.S. BONEHEAD never put the GD thing in park. I was relaxed and lifted my foot off the brake and nearly ran poor Jerry down.
In the following years I did the following at gas stations.....
1. was reaching to the passenger side floor for my purse and honked the horn with my boob.
2. came out the building at hot-limit speed and slipped on a patch of ice ending in a comic book fall that I noticed other patrons averting there eyes for a good chuckle.
3. Attempted to tip a full service pump dude with zero success. He said if he took it he could get fired! What?!
4. This one is really ridiculous: While huddled up in the sandstone gas station car wash in my Pink Ford Probe (sports car if you will) in the dead of winter I went to leave and there was a massive ridge of ice that I simply couldn't hurdle. My wheels would just spin and spin and spin. Consumed with fear that I might have to spend my whole night stuck in the car wash and miss out on a fabulous college keg party. I did what any girl in a Pink Panther would do.... I backed that sucker up all the way to the very back of the car wash put it in first gear and came catapulting out of that car wash like I was in an episode of the Dukes of Hazard. There was a trucker gassing up at the diesel pump nearby who nearly fainted when I came shooting out of there. Nailed it.
5. when I tell you this one you absolutely can not judge me. It was a blond moment to beat all blond moments and I was a brunette at the time. I actually pulled up to what I thought was a car wash door and waited and waited and waited then feeling frustrated piled out of my car to see what the situation at hand really was. Only to come to the realization that it wasn't a car wash at all it was indeed just someone's garage who lived directly next to the gas station. I probably should have introduced myself and opened their minds to a pretty sweet business opportunity but I didn't have time. I needed to get home stat and waste hours on-line.
What it really boils down to is this... should I really be driving.. ha ha no just kidding. Anytime we are out of our comfort zone weird shit is bound to occur. Especially to me.
Not even kidding.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Kids Say the Best Stuff EVER!
My goodness, I have been so blessed to have so many great kids in my life. The thing is they are absolutely hilarious. Nolan, my four old, is notorious for saying the unexpected. A year ago he pulled my pajama pants away from my butt and peeked in and said, "hey mom I can see your butt" I said "yep there it is" then he said "well, it wooks fantastic' and I said, "really thanks bud you just made my day!"
The other day my niece announced loudly before we were about to enter the theatre to see "diary of a wimpy kid dog days", which I highly recommend .... hilarious. "I'm probly gonna have to poop now because I've been eating so much."
A few years back my niece was sitting on my dad who was stretched out in the grass and suddenly it occurs to her to ask, "Pops do you have a baby in your belly?" his response, "nope just a bunch of beer."
Even before that in my ex-husbands family there were three aunties pregnant at the same time, two of them had big "sisters waiting one was about 5 and one was about 4 the 4 year old is sitting next to the 5 year old at a party we were having she says, "Alli, do you have a baby in your belly?" Alli responds,"No." her cousin says "well than you can have a beer."
Two winters ago I was in a sour winter -might-never-end sort of mood. We had just been dumped on by another pile of snow and I was shoveling it by had and swearing and grumbling under my breath. Nolan 2 then was parked on top of one the snow banks eating snow like it was going out of style. He says, "mom I'm cold let's go in". I hastily stated,"maybe we should just move somewhere warm!" He goes, "yeah wike in da house".
Then you have the awesome songs they learn. "I'm sexy and I know it", "fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey, wish I had a good girl to miss me"...... ummm what! When did yankee doodle stick a feather up his butt! That's what I want to know!
All I know is that there is an amazing time in a kids life before they start to be embarassed by everything. They are naturally funny and they have no clue how funny they are. This is a time to treasure before long they will be a bunch of wise asses like us. For now they are just plain old funny.
Not even kidding.
The other day my niece announced loudly before we were about to enter the theatre to see "diary of a wimpy kid dog days", which I highly recommend .... hilarious. "I'm probly gonna have to poop now because I've been eating so much."
A few years back my niece was sitting on my dad who was stretched out in the grass and suddenly it occurs to her to ask, "Pops do you have a baby in your belly?" his response, "nope just a bunch of beer."
Even before that in my ex-husbands family there were three aunties pregnant at the same time, two of them had big "sisters waiting one was about 5 and one was about 4 the 4 year old is sitting next to the 5 year old at a party we were having she says, "Alli, do you have a baby in your belly?" Alli responds,"No." her cousin says "well than you can have a beer."
Two winters ago I was in a sour winter -might-never-end sort of mood. We had just been dumped on by another pile of snow and I was shoveling it by had and swearing and grumbling under my breath. Nolan 2 then was parked on top of one the snow banks eating snow like it was going out of style. He says, "mom I'm cold let's go in". I hastily stated,"maybe we should just move somewhere warm!" He goes, "yeah wike in da house".
Then you have the awesome songs they learn. "I'm sexy and I know it", "fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey, wish I had a good girl to miss me"...... ummm what! When did yankee doodle stick a feather up his butt! That's what I want to know!
All I know is that there is an amazing time in a kids life before they start to be embarassed by everything. They are naturally funny and they have no clue how funny they are. This is a time to treasure before long they will be a bunch of wise asses like us. For now they are just plain old funny.
Not even kidding.
Monday, July 30, 2012
I am farting to stink I'm not kidding
So I happen to be a master at a turn of phrase and not in that cool way.. in that way that your brain must have been having a headstand contest with itself way. I have the innate ability to take any phrase and turn it bass ackwards. In doing this I continuously crack myself up even if I am talking to myself in the mirror (which happens regularly).
My friend Ana never lets me forget my famous "I'm supplised you said that" comment, as every time I get a letter from her she says "bet you're supplised I didn't forget ect. ect."
I have been lucky enough to surround myself with cool cats who seem to have the same problem for example my BFF molly when working at the pharmacy would continuously ask for people's Bird of Daith (quick translation for you slow thinkers Date of Birth) and even her rockin' sister called to "tancel a canning appointment" which of course we all know she was canceling a tanning appointment. Because let's be honest none of us "can" food and we only say tancel when we meant to say tinsel when it's Christmastime and we're more lit up than the tree.
I digress.
Turns out I come from a family of bass ackwardness. We take song lyrics and have them all changed around and quite frankly a lot of those musicians should have called us.. or Weird Al Yankovitch at least. I mean who wouldn't "treat your neighbor like a short mexican" or be watching for a "Secret Asian Man" We read things wrong "Pregnancy... what the.. oh it said Pharmacy." We hear things completely wrong "ohh look like she's a south paw too"... "What! She sells pot too!!" and then we just plain say things wrong "what the hell is a fachita? and still on the books my most famously inappropriate statement to date (and I had to dig):
When working in the second salon of my giant career, God only knows what I was rambling on about but I said "I'm farting to stink I understand". Now how on God's green earth does one make a flubber that makes perfect sense in a very gross way?
NAILED IT!
I'm starting to think you see where I'm going with this.
Maybe acts of danger toward the English language is going to be my super-villian power?
It might be my tup of kea........... not even kidding. :)
My friend Ana never lets me forget my famous "I'm supplised you said that" comment, as every time I get a letter from her she says "bet you're supplised I didn't forget ect. ect."
I have been lucky enough to surround myself with cool cats who seem to have the same problem for example my BFF molly when working at the pharmacy would continuously ask for people's Bird of Daith (quick translation for you slow thinkers Date of Birth) and even her rockin' sister called to "tancel a canning appointment" which of course we all know she was canceling a tanning appointment. Because let's be honest none of us "can" food and we only say tancel when we meant to say tinsel when it's Christmastime and we're more lit up than the tree.
I digress.
Turns out I come from a family of bass ackwardness. We take song lyrics and have them all changed around and quite frankly a lot of those musicians should have called us.. or Weird Al Yankovitch at least. I mean who wouldn't "treat your neighbor like a short mexican" or be watching for a "Secret Asian Man" We read things wrong "Pregnancy... what the.. oh it said Pharmacy." We hear things completely wrong "ohh look like she's a south paw too"... "What! She sells pot too!!" and then we just plain say things wrong "what the hell is a fachita? and still on the books my most famously inappropriate statement to date (and I had to dig):
When working in the second salon of my giant career, God only knows what I was rambling on about but I said "I'm farting to stink I understand". Now how on God's green earth does one make a flubber that makes perfect sense in a very gross way?
NAILED IT!
I'm starting to think you see where I'm going with this.
Maybe acts of danger toward the English language is going to be my super-villian power?
It might be my tup of kea........... not even kidding. :)
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