The Start of Something Beautiful

I've been thinking a lot lately. I mean a lot! Which is why my house is so clean and fully redecorated.
I was walking out the door the other day and I smiled because I saw this picture on the wall of my salon AKA The Happy Scissor Beauty Shoppe. It is a picture of some beautiful flowers about to bloom. My aunt took it and gave it to me when I opened in 2009. The caption says, "The Start of Something Beautiful."

The thing is in 2010 I thought I would have to close my business due to going through a divorce and paying an attorney. Not to mention paying bills as a single mom. Which made me a statistic and I did not like that. I didn't want to be a failure, a quitter, someone who had to count on other people, or start all over. But I did it anyway. I did it anyway. When I moved into the house, I had patio furniture in my living room. I had no stove, no fridge, no dishwasher, no washer and dryer. I didn't even have a bed. I had some clothes that were too big because under the stress of all this I didn't eat much. I had my journals, some pictures, I had no bed for my son, no dresser for him. I didn't even have any damn hangers to hang his clothes in his closet. We ate dinner at a small desk for awhile.

I thought to myself, how am I going to do this? How am I going to land on my feet? Luckily I still had some great friends and family. Nearby too! I had a friend barter for a fridge, I found an electric stove for $40, I went to the laundry mat and I washed all my dishes by hand. My cousin gave me a bed my mom gave me some chairs, she bought me a set of pots and pans for Christmas as well as a crockpot and a few other kitchen things that I had none of, I bought spatulas from the dollar store and went to bed happy each night cuddled up with my 2year old.

There are so many people that helped me get on my feet when I was in need and I hope I live long enough to have the chance to repay them all with any kind thing they need. They were what mattered most when there were many who wanted me to fail, to suffer, so they could say, "see I knew you couldn't do it, you weren't smart enough, you don't have enough money to leave, you aren't stable enough to handle all of this ect. ect." I found rock bottom. Luckily my son has a rock collection so we made the best of it.

I moved here in August of 2010. In three years time so much has changed. The only thing that has changed for the worse is those clothes that I mentioned were to big are now to small. Dognabbit.
I spent my first winter working in a cold garage with poor lighting, and a concrete floor to stand on for 8 hours at a time. Gosh darnit though those wonderful customers of mine never let me out of their sight. They came in. Even if I had to run a space heater next to my salon chair to keep us warm because cold air would blow in through the garage door and even if I was interrupted 5 times by my son during a hair-cut. I can't thank them enough.

One day one of my old teachers came in and somewhere in the conversation I mentioned that I was saving up to get a washer and dryer off of craigslist. We finished up her haircut which costs $15 and she handed me $100 dollars. She said she wanted to help me get my washer and dryer because it sucks to haul laundry to a laundry mat with a 2 year old. I said , "you can't so that" she said "don't tell me what I can't do." No one, not even her husband, probably knew what she did that day. But it is something I will never forget.

The hardest lesson to learn in all of it was by getting divorced people felt the need to pick a side. I was angry about things, things that were being said and the stress of knowing there were people who just plain hated me for leaving even if they had no idea what my story was. For some of them it didn't matter whether there was a story or not it was just a hot topic to discuss and speculate about. I felt like the talk of the town and I probably was. I felt like every move I made was being surveyed and reported to "the enemy" who happened to be the people I thought would take the shirts off of their backs for me. They would drive by and I would be pushing Nolan in the swing and I would wave and they would stare straight ahead. I could live with being broke. This however was a heartache.

Eventually the divorce was final and I could start to rebuild my life. I had already met Jayke  during the grueling process of signatures and decrees and tears. He just hugged me and made me laugh. He made me laugh a lot. He has a smile/smirk that makes it impossible for me not to smile and he's a huge smart ass which at the time was just what the doctor ordered. Still is. I can't believe he even wanted to stick around.

Two months into our relationship was the 4 year memorial of my brother's accident. I was stressed, thinking of Mike, wondering if he would have thought I was foolish for taking this leap or if he would have had his truck backed up and be laying on the horn and telling me there was a whiskey coke waiting for me at his house. I was at a time of doubt in myself and in everything around me. I kept promising Jayke that I really wasn't like this, that the fun me would come out eventually and I wouldn't be so emotional. He seemed to like me either way. Perfect.

In the few years since we took the garage door out and put in a wall with a window that looks like its been there since the beginning, we bought a washer/dryer, stove, dishwasher, added A/C, did landscaping and most recently we did vinyl flooring in my shoppe and I put a fireplace in there.

 The thing is I could have easily failed.

This blog's intent is not to toot my own horn it is to point out then when you hit rock bottom there is nowhere to go but up. The people in your life that love you are what carry you up.

I intend to pay it forward every chance I get. 

The start of something beautiful was such a perfect thing to title that photo. Not even kidding.

"Nature and Books Belong to Those Who See them" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am sitting at my desk enjoying my morning cup of coffee with a grin that will not go away. I had one of the funnest nights of my life last night and I was asleep by 10:45.

I had to work until seven or so and then Jayke, our buddy Rick, and I planned to go bahahing  (technical term) in Rick's old jeep. He said he bought it his senior year of high school and five miles down the road the transmission went out. (Rick is the high school shop teacher at our local school and I am quickly beginning to think there is nothing he can't fix.)

So this jeep is amazing it is the kind with no doors and no roof and a fair amount of rust. Perfect. Set off on our adventure through general andrews park and worked out way to Sturgeon Lake accepting any mud that came our way. At one part a hunk of mud seemed to have fell from the sky and landed smack on my left arm where of course I left it because it is part of the glory. We wound our way around trails I would never have known existed and I have lived here all my life. These are also trails you could barely fit a four wheeler down much less a jeep. It was like being on safari in a jungle so near to my house I could just about slap myself that I had never seen it. However at one point (being directionally challenged the way I am) I did ask if he was driving us out to the middle of nowhere to leave us for dead. I just thought I would clear the air.

Something or should I say lots of things about Rick remind me of my brother. Poor guy not only have I forced him to watch my 20minute family video, there is something about his patience, and good heartedness that make me feel like I am back hanging out with Mike. Then there are nights like last night when I feel so alive and whole that make me think he sent this. I don't want to freak anyone out but if you believe in coincidence I think you're missing out. Coincidence makes you miss what's behind it, what's deeper. When you get in your car and a song comes on that takes you back somewhere. I don't think that is coincidence I think it is someone's way of making you come back.

The fireflies were out in force. It looked like God sent some fairy lights to light up the night. At one point we had about ten of them lighting up the windshield. I tried to take a picture with my phone but flash on was too bright, flash off was too dark. So I determined that I would just have to remember what it looked like without a photocopy.

We wound around all the way back to Askov, where we stopped for supper the boys had garbage burgers (picture everything in your fridge on one burger) and I had an enormous philly burger. We played a round of bingo and hit the road. The wind on my arm as I held it out the side of the jeep with the sun setting behind it made me so content. Turns out you don't need to buy a $10,000 dollar side by side to enjoy nature. You just need a pal with an old jeep and a spirit for adventure. Not even kidding.

"Cherish your vision; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind. The loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts. If you remain true to them your world will at least be built."    -James Allen


"I never want to have to much. I always want to be able to get excited over little things, because in the end it's the little things that mean the most."
-me 7-29-98 16years and 16days. :)

Adventure Is Out There.

Just flew back yesterday from Denver Colorado where I went to visit my very, very good friend I've known my whole life, Lisa.

It was five days of growth for this small town slightly sheltered, baby of the family. I flew alone, I navigated two airports alone and that is something I was very scared to do. But I did. I know a lot of people do this kind of thing all the time and it's really no big deal but for a girl who lived nine miles out of town (and town was 300 people) it was huge. On a side note I also have no sense of direction. It's fair to say on a given road trip I get flipped off regularly and am a master at U-turns. Even illegal ones. (Sorry Jayke it's true)

Lisa has been all over the world, and when I say that I don't mean she went to London once. I mean she back-packed through Europe, stayed in hostels in South Africa, shes been to India, Singapore,the Philippines, Thailand  and Australia. I know there are more but you get where I'm going here? The thing is she didn't visit these places because she was some uber privileged, rich kid. She got there because she has a drive for adventure and she's brave as hell. So I got inspired and climbed aboard a plane and ventured out of my comfort zone. And I loved every minute of it.

Lisa is a nanny. When I say this I want you to picture taking two two year olds and a four-month old all over the city of Denver every day. They go to story time twice a week, museums, parks ect. They are two very lucky boys (both about 2) and one very lucky girl (4 months).

The first day I arrived Lisa picked me up and we took the kids to the mall. It was cold out and there is a huge play area for toddlers in the mall. Lisa walks with sleeping infant in a tummy pack and two toddlers side by side in a jogging stroller casually through the mall. (This is when I realized I am a huge spaz and would never be able to do this without an occasional panic attack.) She is like a child whisperer. She manages to get these two toddlers to hold hands with each other (which the image alone is stinkin' adorable)and walk through a shopping mall; all with great ease. I think it is so amazing that some of the best parenting skills I have learned have been  from two people with no kids: my sister Melissa and Lisa.

I count on my big sister Miss so much. I ask her to pick my ass up at the airport, I ask her to go with my ex-husband to kindergarten round-up when I can't be there, I ask her to drive my ass home from the bar. She's been taking care of me my entire life. She was also part of my inspiration on this journey. (as just a few weeks back she flew alone to Chicago and then from there to Louisville)

You don't have to have kids to be a parent. I would like to tattoo that on the dumbass's forehead who shouted out to everyone, as my sister entered the library for my son's kindergarten round-up, "Melissa what are you doing here you don't even have any kids?" (I was in Denver and it meant the world to Nolan to have his Missy Dissy there.) Once again: You don't have to have kids to be a parent. In fact a lot of the time you guys have more figured out than we do. Not even kidding.

The next day of my adventure. I set out on foot to locate a tattoo shop that I heard was great. And by set out I mean walked four miles there and four miles back. Down Colfax and Broadway alone feeling very white and very naive.But after consulting with a few homeless men (just kidding Mom!) I found the place I needed to be in time for my 12noon consultation. Granted I was sweaty and little low on blood sugar and limping due to a sizable blister, I made it.

Five years ago, I think? I got a tattoo on my shoulder in memory of Mike (my brother the ultimate adventurer) it was a spur of the moment thing and I had to choose from a book. I chose a simple nautical star and a few flames to represent his career in Wildfire Fighting. It was okay but I felt like it wasn't super personal and never truly loved it. So on Friday of my visit to Denver I sat at Sol Tribe on Broadway, for two hours, getting my "Ode to Odie" reworked. It is now a Compass with a True North Surrounded in flames that nearly look 3D and below it it reads "Adventure is Out There". It is now exactly what I wanted.
It is also a permanent memory of my trip and my goal to be more adventurous.

It is so easy to do things you are familiar and comfortable doing. However if you never challenge yourself where do you get? What do you see? What do you learn about yourself?  It reminds me of a quote from You've Got Mail :
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life- well valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void."

Turns out adventure is out there. All you need to do is make it happen. Not even kidding.