This title is what I said to myself about twenty minutes ago. I had been spending this lazy,rainy Sunday morning lying in bed with Kerry the Bagel and Queenie (also known as Hairy the Beagle and Weinie his comical sidekick as pronounced by Jayke's adorable niece Khloey), finishing off another great Elin Hilderbrand novel and swigging down black coffee from my old navy insulated mug who's design is slightly wrinkled because someone, and I'm not going to mention any names, put it in the dishwasher even though it is notably not dishwasher safe.
Isn't this just what rainy Sunday's should be for? I "slept in" until 7:30... clearly a sign that I'm getting older. Won't be long and I'll be eating prunes while I wait for the gas station to open so I can get my Sunday paper. Probably bitching about hip pain and wondering why people just aren't on time these days.
I long to be that cool old lady. The one with the long gray braid driving a vintage convertible VW bug. The one who still remembers what it was like to be young. The one who is confident that the world isn't really going to hell in a hand-basket.
I was listening to a podcast one day while I was walking that said that you have 5 people. These are the 5 people in your life that you spend the most time with. These five people can make all the difference in how enjoyable your life is. If they are positive you are more likely to be positive as well as negative. If they look at things a certain way over time you are likely to look at things in the same light. I started thinking, "who are my five people?" Are they bettering me? Am I bettering them? The answer was yes. We have so many influences in our lives. My mom always said that choosing the right person to marry could be a deciding factor in how happy your life would be.
My mom worked as the school librarian. But she was more like a mom and a friend to every high school kid at my school. There were many days when I would tell my friends, "I don't know. Let's go ask my mom." My mom held tissues for many of my friends when they thought they would never get past high school dramas. My mom made kids laugh and unite on different levels even though they were part of completely different crowds. She discussed music, books, celebrities, the future the past and anything that they wanted to open up about. She drug the old box TV in the library on 9/11 and watched the destruction happening with the kids. She made a mark. These "kids" who are not kids anymore still find me all the time and ask me how my mom is doing. They tell me that she got them into reading, that she made them laugh, that she listened to them when no one else would. Was I ever jealous or tired of sharing? Nope. Because I was the lucky one who had someone to listen to me all the time. Not just between the hours of 8 and 3.
These five people that you have could be anyone. You can choose who yours are that's the great part.
My friend Molly is not in the five because I don't get to see her enough to say I spend enough time with her. She is a busy lady running a Coffeehouse and making me so proud all the time. She is indefinitely one of the most positive people I know. After I spend a day with Molly I look at everything with more appreciation. She is one of the most appreciative people and it rubs off. She has this non-cheesy way of always seeing the good in things. Some people are fake Molly is not. She is the real McCoy. She's like a character in a novel that you love but she really exists. We have been best friends since 1st grade and we have had our ups and downs as any friendship does. Starting with her anger at me for cutting off my long hair that matched her long hair before second grade and ending with adult battles over things that looking back were so stupid I can't believe we were dumb enough to be mad about them. For the last several years we have learned to lean on eachother, to share our problems and not try to be perfect and happy if we really aren't. It has made a better bond than ever. There really is nothing I can't tell her and vice-versa.
On the 11th of June it will be two things. My Mom's birthday and two years to the day I moved out of my beautiful cape cod home and into my ancient shop to separate from my ex-husband. One of the biggest lessons I learned in this journey is that the people who truly love you only want to see you happy. Did my leaving make life any easier for my mom or molly? Hell no. By having my back they had people turn their backs to them. For this I will be forever indebted. There are people in your life that will stand behind you no matter what decisions you make, no matter how far you fall, no matter how deep you hurt. I am so very fortunate to have many of these. And once I made my leap good things started to happen. I realized that I wasn't a complete failure for leaving my marriage I was only trying to be true to myself. I knew what I wanted and for years I thought I had it. I had a gorgeous house, a happy husband, a healthy son and a lonely heart. I saw other couples out biking, camping, holding hands, arguing over paint colors, doing home improvement projects together, running side by side, and I was consumed with jealousy. I wanted that. I needed that. I realized that I had sold myself short. I had everything I wanted except someone to enjoy it with. I think I broke his heart and I can't help but feel sad about that. I asked time and time again to spend more time together and the promises were always broken. That's when I realized I was wasting time. We only have so much time in this life to love someone else. If I wasted my days alone when what I wanted was to be half of a whole I was only cheating myself.
Two years ago I packed up my heart and moved on.
I've met someone new now. Someone who argues with me daily, someone who never leaves without saying I love you. Someone who bought a kayak after his first outing just to be by my side. He's someone who listens to me rant, laughs at me when I pull my pajama pants way up and walk around like a dork. He goes on bike rides with me, we have campfires together. I am sharing my life, he is sharing his. It is scary and wonderful.
Turns out I might just have someone next to me someday when I get up early to get the paper (and some prunes) in my VW. :) ..................Not even kidding.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Today I did something that I haven't done since I was 19 (no mom I did not get another tattoo on my toe:).
Today I got out of bed grabbed by ipod, my book and my messenger bag and hopped on my bike. I rode all the way to Moose Lake in the morning sunshine on the lovely Willard Munger Trail. I threw on some tunes from my boy Jack Johnson (who still doesn't respond to my requests of marriage) and set off on the trail on my pink cruiser bike that was spray painted by yours truly.
I have been running to train for the Grandma's Half Marathon but I was ready to switch it up today. My route was about 18 miles. I toodled my way into Moose Lake and then realized how famished I was. I headed into market place and came out with some fresh fruit, some bagels, and a SOBE beverage. As many of you know I stand behind my latest diet of beef sticks, almonds and string cheese however occasionally one must falter. I grabbed my goodies and headed back to my favorite bench near the river. It is a great spot because it looks out on a grand opening of the water and today as luck would have it there were a couple of good looking mallards hanging out. As luck wouldn't have it some fella had the nerve to p ark his behinder on my bench. So I had to pretend to be a photographer who stopped for a drink until he was either A) Done with his rest or B) Creeped out by me the potential homeless chick carrying a bag of groceries on her bike. Needless to say he moved on and I parked myself and my breakfast on "my bench" which to be honest has seen her better days. A large portion on one side is missing and it has all sorts of stuff carved in it. So basically we're made for each other.
This is the same bench that I biked to and rollerbladed to in the past. I started thinking why it had been so long since I had done this. Well there were many reasons. Work, my son, many projects that could be worked on. It made me think that the things that we enjoy at 19 are the same things we really enjoy at 29 but we stop prioritizing them. They become those things that you think "oh yeah I should do that again" or you see someone else doing that and you bitterly think "must be nice to be them". Why is it that we stop saying yes to things we want to do and start saying yes to things we don't want to do. Guilt, perhaps? And what do we achieve by doing this... resentment.
I have met some really amazing people doing what I do. Honestly there are some of them that I look at my book for the day and I think "YES!" because I know that we will have awesome conversations about real things and we will laugh and sometimes cry but always will find comfort in sharing our lives. Many of them "Get It". They might not get to do what they want when they want all the time but they have realized that they have the power to choose how happy they are.
I realize that I am an adult. I have a business to run. I have a house to clean, a yard to mow, a son to raise but that doesn't mean I can't find ways to have some peaceful me time. Today that was what it was about. And in doing so I feel that the other avenues of my life benefit.
So today I leave you with an excerpt from something that my brother had laminated in his belongings when we were going through his stuff we found and it has become a bit of a mantra... not even kidding. So enjoy:
"One final paragraph of advice: Do not burn yourself out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast... a part time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forrest, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains, run the rivers, breathe deep of that sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for awhile and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk bound people with their hearts in a safety deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards."
Today I got out of bed grabbed by ipod, my book and my messenger bag and hopped on my bike. I rode all the way to Moose Lake in the morning sunshine on the lovely Willard Munger Trail. I threw on some tunes from my boy Jack Johnson (who still doesn't respond to my requests of marriage) and set off on the trail on my pink cruiser bike that was spray painted by yours truly.
I have been running to train for the Grandma's Half Marathon but I was ready to switch it up today. My route was about 18 miles. I toodled my way into Moose Lake and then realized how famished I was. I headed into market place and came out with some fresh fruit, some bagels, and a SOBE beverage. As many of you know I stand behind my latest diet of beef sticks, almonds and string cheese however occasionally one must falter. I grabbed my goodies and headed back to my favorite bench near the river. It is a great spot because it looks out on a grand opening of the water and today as luck would have it there were a couple of good looking mallards hanging out. As luck wouldn't have it some fella had the nerve to p ark his behinder on my bench. So I had to pretend to be a photographer who stopped for a drink until he was either A) Done with his rest or B) Creeped out by me the potential homeless chick carrying a bag of groceries on her bike. Needless to say he moved on and I parked myself and my breakfast on "my bench" which to be honest has seen her better days. A large portion on one side is missing and it has all sorts of stuff carved in it. So basically we're made for each other.
This is the same bench that I biked to and rollerbladed to in the past. I started thinking why it had been so long since I had done this. Well there were many reasons. Work, my son, many projects that could be worked on. It made me think that the things that we enjoy at 19 are the same things we really enjoy at 29 but we stop prioritizing them. They become those things that you think "oh yeah I should do that again" or you see someone else doing that and you bitterly think "must be nice to be them". Why is it that we stop saying yes to things we want to do and start saying yes to things we don't want to do. Guilt, perhaps? And what do we achieve by doing this... resentment.
I have met some really amazing people doing what I do. Honestly there are some of them that I look at my book for the day and I think "YES!" because I know that we will have awesome conversations about real things and we will laugh and sometimes cry but always will find comfort in sharing our lives. Many of them "Get It". They might not get to do what they want when they want all the time but they have realized that they have the power to choose how happy they are.
I realize that I am an adult. I have a business to run. I have a house to clean, a yard to mow, a son to raise but that doesn't mean I can't find ways to have some peaceful me time. Today that was what it was about. And in doing so I feel that the other avenues of my life benefit.
So today I leave you with an excerpt from something that my brother had laminated in his belongings when we were going through his stuff we found and it has become a bit of a mantra... not even kidding. So enjoy:
"One final paragraph of advice: Do not burn yourself out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast... a part time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forrest, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains, run the rivers, breathe deep of that sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for awhile and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk bound people with their hearts in a safety deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards."
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